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( like an echo, like a dreamed memory. it's not inaccurate, so much as it's too understated for what aleksander truly is. the other half of her, as if someone split a single soul down the middle, divided its parts between holy and unholy. aleksander's monstrosity. her humanity. never meant to merge back together, without one corrupting the other. still, she'd rather choke on the words and die than put it into terms alia would better understand: aleksander is to me what paul is to you. it's too dirty to say, smearing filth on the connection paul and alia share, willing servants to the bond that traps them together. )
Don't. You've no idea what you're talking about.
You weren't there. You don't know the girl I was, or the things she was made to do.
I did choose it. I don't deserve any forgiveness for that.
( she'll forgive alia for the blood on her hands, but not — this. not undeserved absolution, as if alina's greatest mistake only led to scraped knees and swollen bruises that can heal with a forgiving kiss. as if believing aleksander was only as destructive as tripping down the stairs, an oops that can be brushed away and forgotten. it's her responsibility to accept, and live, with the ugly truth: no matter how unwelcome the collar had been, she had wanted to belong to him. still wants, stupidly, after all this time.
and what had that want cost her? her freedom. a hundred innocent lives, subsumed by darkness. a city sunk under a shadowy sea. too high a price to pay, for alina to forgive herself for it. )
I won't let anything hurt you. Not our enemies. Not your ancestors.
I know I couldn't help you before. ( before jace. before alina, too, was convinced alia was used against her will. ) But I can help you now.
Can you trust me to keep you safe?
Don't. You've no idea what you're talking about.
You weren't there. You don't know the girl I was, or the things she was made to do.
I did choose it. I don't deserve any forgiveness for that.
( she'll forgive alia for the blood on her hands, but not — this. not undeserved absolution, as if alina's greatest mistake only led to scraped knees and swollen bruises that can heal with a forgiving kiss. as if believing aleksander was only as destructive as tripping down the stairs, an oops that can be brushed away and forgotten. it's her responsibility to accept, and live, with the ugly truth: no matter how unwelcome the collar had been, she had wanted to belong to him. still wants, stupidly, after all this time.
and what had that want cost her? her freedom. a hundred innocent lives, subsumed by darkness. a city sunk under a shadowy sea. too high a price to pay, for alina to forgive herself for it. )
I won't let anything hurt you. Not our enemies. Not your ancestors.
I know I couldn't help you before. ( before jace. before alina, too, was convinced alia was used against her will. ) But I can help you now.
Can you trust me to keep you safe?
Edited 2024-10-24 03:10 (UTC)
I wouldn't call myself that, but I guess it's accurate.
I don't care whether she's sincere.
It takes a monster to look into the eyes of another and love them still.
( alina would know, intimately. some blackened, disgusting piece of her heart still beats for the darkling, after all this time. some tender, too-human piece of her heart still waits for any sign that he regrets what he's become — some show of humanity that might make it more forgivable to long for him in the dark.
a stupid girl, just like jem. they both rightfully deserve condemnation for it. )
You'll make dangerous enemies, speaking against her. Are you sure you want to do this?
It takes a monster to look into the eyes of another and love them still.
( alina would know, intimately. some blackened, disgusting piece of her heart still beats for the darkling, after all this time. some tender, too-human piece of her heart still waits for any sign that he regrets what he's become — some show of humanity that might make it more forgivable to long for him in the dark.
a stupid girl, just like jem. they both rightfully deserve condemnation for it. )
You'll make dangerous enemies, speaking against her. Are you sure you want to do this?
It is yours to answer if I command one from you.
( if. the defining clause. a vital condition. it suddenly sickens her to even consider holding one end of his leash, like a war hound collared into obedience. like the stag butchered and quartered around her throat, a bone-shackle tethering her to aleksander's whims. )
I'm not the sort of queen that demands loyalty if it isn't freely given.
You and your mother have done your part to keep me protected, in Paul's absence — whatever debt you feel you owe me, you can consider it paid.
( if. the defining clause. a vital condition. it suddenly sickens her to even consider holding one end of his leash, like a war hound collared into obedience. like the stag butchered and quartered around her throat, a bone-shackle tethering her to aleksander's whims. )
I'm not the sort of queen that demands loyalty if it isn't freely given.
You and your mother have done your part to keep me protected, in Paul's absence — whatever debt you feel you owe me, you can consider it paid.
No more than I fear my own country.
( which is neither a yes or no — only the steadfast, queenly answer — but armand's since lost the right to alina rolling over to show her soft underbelly. she won't make the mistake of exposing it to the sharpness of his teeth again, like an ill-advised treasure map — x marks the spot for how to hurt alina starkov best. )
Do you?
( which is neither a yes or no — only the steadfast, queenly answer — but armand's since lost the right to alina rolling over to show her soft underbelly. she won't make the mistake of exposing it to the sharpness of his teeth again, like an ill-advised treasure map — x marks the spot for how to hurt alina starkov best. )
Do you?
[ perhaps unavoidably, alicent thinks of her sons. how can it be monstrous to love the sweet boys she once knew, even if they’ve grown beyond her? ]
A queen need not worry about dangerous enemies if her allies are more fearsome.
[ a compliment. ]
A queen need not worry about dangerous enemies if her allies are more fearsome.
[ a compliment. ]
[There is a pause, while Alia considers this, thoughtful, careful. Would she accept forgiveness for her acts, for the ways she has manipulated and connived and murdered her way into her role as sister, goddess, seer, saint? Would Paul extend it, for that matter, if he knew the full extent of blood shed in his name? Perhaps. Perhaps not. But it isn’t his to give, just as it isn’t hers to ask. What’s done is dead, what’s dead is done.
Besides, the fact of the matter: she doesn’t care what blood is on Alina’s hands. She doesn’t care what terrible acts she may have committed, what marvelous and deadly and horrible depths are contained within the same chest Alia has slept against, the same heart she has heard throb with life, with blood, with vibrant beautiful power. Alina is Alina, and there is no world in which Alia does not love all that she contains.]
I am Saint no longer. I cannot give absolution, and I do not offer it. You do not need my forgiveness, Alina.
I only give this: if you told me to turn my blade on myself, walk into the lake, step into the fire, and you told me you would keep me safe, I would not hesitate.
There are two things in life I trust, and you are one of them.
Besides, the fact of the matter: she doesn’t care what blood is on Alina’s hands. She doesn’t care what terrible acts she may have committed, what marvelous and deadly and horrible depths are contained within the same chest Alia has slept against, the same heart she has heard throb with life, with blood, with vibrant beautiful power. Alina is Alina, and there is no world in which Alia does not love all that she contains.]
I am Saint no longer. I cannot give absolution, and I do not offer it. You do not need my forgiveness, Alina.
I only give this: if you told me to turn my blade on myself, walk into the lake, step into the fire, and you told me you would keep me safe, I would not hesitate.
There are two things in life I trust, and you are one of them.
Shouldn't I ask for it?
( her forgiveness. a gift too easily given. wanting makes us weak, the darkling had said — she wonders if the same isn't true of alia, tame in her palm, so desperately hopeful for alina to be perfect that she's blind to her cracks and creases. that she might thank alina for every hurt that she's been made to endure, under alina's watch — as if she's forgotten the blood on her hands means alina's are equally dirty, too, in spirit.
her sister, her responsibility, her mess to clean. )
If I had kept you safe all this time, you would have never become a weapon in their hands.
I would have known how to help you. I would have never let this place use you to punish us.
You needed me, and I couldn't stop it. I couldn't free you.
( her forgiveness. a gift too easily given. wanting makes us weak, the darkling had said — she wonders if the same isn't true of alia, tame in her palm, so desperately hopeful for alina to be perfect that she's blind to her cracks and creases. that she might thank alina for every hurt that she's been made to endure, under alina's watch — as if she's forgotten the blood on her hands means alina's are equally dirty, too, in spirit.
her sister, her responsibility, her mess to clean. )
If I had kept you safe all this time, you would have never become a weapon in their hands.
I would have known how to help you. I would have never let this place use you to punish us.
You needed me, and I couldn't stop it. I couldn't free you.
I don't know how much help it will be. Not everything is above the surface.
( she can live with the scars, she thinks, even if they look like tallies etched into her skin — a count, for every time a knife came for her throat. it's the rend in her soul, touched by a void of merzost, she worries for most. )
How does it work?
( she can live with the scars, she thinks, even if they look like tallies etched into her skin — a count, for every time a knife came for her throat. it's the rend in her soul, touched by a void of merzost, she worries for most. )
How does it work?
I didn't want to hurt him.
( it's a petty point to argue, maybe. she hadn't wanted to hurt him, but that want hadn't stayed her hand. it feels — significant to share, anyway. to exonerate herself from the crime of intentional cruelty, even as she's guilty of far worse. )
But this place ...
I don't know what to think, anymore. I don't know what to trust.
( it's a petty point to argue, maybe. she hadn't wanted to hurt him, but that want hadn't stayed her hand. it feels — significant to share, anyway. to exonerate herself from the crime of intentional cruelty, even as she's guilty of far worse. )
But this place ...
I don't know what to think, anymore. I don't know what to trust.
You would have to ingest some of my blood.
I know it sounds gross.
I know it sounds gross.
I am the worst person to speak of "should", Alina-my-dear. Perhaps I should ask for it as well. I do not think it would be given, though.
[From the Targaryens, from the thousands whose lives she's given to the desert, from the people of Arrakis who fear and loathe and worship her. Alia has never sought forgiveness from anyone -- save Alina, that night, on her knees, shame-faced and penitent for the first and only time.]
I did not tell you about me. What I could do. We agreed upon that, remember?
Just-Alia. Just-Alina.
You gave me what I wanted, what nobody else ever has. Do not apologize for that.
[From the Targaryens, from the thousands whose lives she's given to the desert, from the people of Arrakis who fear and loathe and worship her. Alia has never sought forgiveness from anyone -- save Alina, that night, on her knees, shame-faced and penitent for the first and only time.]
I did not tell you about me. What I could do. We agreed upon that, remember?
Just-Alia. Just-Alina.
You gave me what I wanted, what nobody else ever has. Do not apologize for that.
Oh. ( ......... ) That is kind of gross. Sorry.
( to not look ungrateful, she avoids typing out the morbid thought that blips across her mind: i'm getting tired of blood in my mouth lately. )
Wouldn't that hurt you? Giving away your blood sounds like a quick path toward starvation.
( to not look ungrateful, she avoids typing out the morbid thought that blips across her mind: i'm getting tired of blood in my mouth lately. )
Wouldn't that hurt you? Giving away your blood sounds like a quick path toward starvation.
I thought it was gross too, don't worry!
It wouldn't bother me at all, you wouldn't be taking enough blood to hurt me and the house provides blood bags for me.
It wouldn't bother me at all, you wouldn't be taking enough blood to hurt me and the house provides blood bags for me.
I wouldn't trust them to provide for you, if your hunger gives them an easy strategy for controlling you.
( it's a stomach-curdling thought, sour milk churning in her stomach — but ravkan politics have taught her well. a land where few profit but the rich, watching as its malnourished armies fight for a single crumb of hope. if you want to control someone, you control their resources first. for as powerful as they all are, the vampires are all pawns on a board to be moved, same as the rest of the guests. same as alina. same as grisha. )
If you're sure of the risk, we can try it.
( it's a stomach-curdling thought, sour milk churning in her stomach — but ravkan politics have taught her well. a land where few profit but the rich, watching as its malnourished armies fight for a single crumb of hope. if you want to control someone, you control their resources first. for as powerful as they all are, the vampires are all pawns on a board to be moved, same as the rest of the guests. same as alina. same as grisha. )
If you're sure of the risk, we can try it.
Edited 2024-10-27 01:28 (UTC)
I supplement with the animals in the woods.
[ caroline out here with fluffy bunnies for breakfast. she does think she could feed on people, her control is unparalleled even now and she isn't liable to turn into a ripper like stefan, but she doesn't want to ask that of anyone. ]
The risk is more yours that mine. If you die with my blood still in your system, you could become like me. That why it needs to wait until the game is over.
[ caroline out here with fluffy bunnies for breakfast. she does think she could feed on people, her control is unparalleled even now and she isn't liable to turn into a ripper like stefan, but she doesn't want to ask that of anyone. ]
The risk is more yours that mine. If you die with my blood still in your system, you could become like me. That why it needs to wait until the game is over.
You won't have to worry about that.
( the more chilling thought: if caroline's blood mixes with her own, is that not just — mixing oil and water? distinctly incompatible, given what she is. an invasion her body might view as an infection, meant to be sweat out.
that, or she's liable to burst into flames on the spot. )
How do you do with sunlight?
Naturally, I mean. Is it "unaffected" or "likely to explode if the curtain is left open"?
( the more chilling thought: if caroline's blood mixes with her own, is that not just — mixing oil and water? distinctly incompatible, given what she is. an invasion her body might view as an infection, meant to be sweat out.
that, or she's liable to burst into flames on the spot. )
How do you do with sunlight?
Naturally, I mean. Is it "unaffected" or "likely to explode if the curtain is left open"?
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