( like an echo, like a dreamed memory. it's not inaccurate, so much as it's too understated for what aleksander truly is. the other half of her, as if someone split a single soul down the middle, divided its parts between holy and unholy. aleksander's monstrosity. her humanity. never meant to merge back together, without one corrupting the other. still, she'd rather choke on the words and die than put it into terms alia would better understand: aleksander is to me what paul is to you. it's too dirty to say, smearing filth on the connection paul and alia share, willing servants to the bond that traps them together. )
Don't. You've no idea what you're talking about. You weren't there. You don't know the girl I was, or the things she was made to do. I did choose it. I don't deserve any forgiveness for that.
( she'll forgive alia for the blood on her hands, but not — this. not undeserved absolution, as if alina's greatest mistake only led to scraped knees and swollen bruises that can heal with a forgiving kiss. as if believing aleksander was only as destructive as tripping down the stairs, an oops that can be brushed away and forgotten. it's her responsibility to accept, and live, with the ugly truth: no matter how unwelcome the collar had been, she had wanted to belong to him. still wants, stupidly, after all this time.
and what had that want cost her? her freedom. a hundred innocent lives, subsumed by darkness. a city sunk under a shadowy sea. too high a price to pay, for alina to forgive herself for it. )
I won't let anything hurt you. Not our enemies. Not your ancestors. I know I couldn't help you before. ( before jace. before alina, too, was convinced alia was used against her will. ) But I can help you now.
[There is a pause, while Alia considers this, thoughtful, careful. Would she accept forgiveness for her acts, for the ways she has manipulated and connived and murdered her way into her role as sister, goddess, seer, saint? Would Paul extend it, for that matter, if he knew the full extent of blood shed in his name? Perhaps. Perhaps not. But it isn’t his to give, just as it isn’t hers to ask. What’s done is dead, what’s dead is done.
Besides, the fact of the matter: she doesn’t care what blood is on Alina’s hands. She doesn’t care what terrible acts she may have committed, what marvelous and deadly and horrible depths are contained within the same chest Alia has slept against, the same heart she has heard throb with life, with blood, with vibrant beautiful power. Alina is Alina, and there is no world in which Alia does not love all that she contains.]
I am Saint no longer. I cannot give absolution, and I do not offer it. You do not need my forgiveness, Alina. I only give this: if you told me to turn my blade on myself, walk into the lake, step into the fire, and you told me you would keep me safe, I would not hesitate.
There are two things in life I trust, and you are one of them.
( her forgiveness. a gift too easily given. wanting makes us weak, the darkling had said — she wonders if the same isn't true of alia, tame in her palm, so desperately hopeful for alina to be perfect that she's blind to her cracks and creases. that she might thank alina for every hurt that she's been made to endure, under alina's watch — as if she's forgotten the blood on her hands means alina's are equally dirty, too, in spirit.
her sister, her responsibility, her mess to clean. )
If I had kept you safe all this time, you would have never become a weapon in their hands. I would have known how to help you. I would have never let this place use you to punish us. You needed me, and I couldn't stop it. I couldn't free you.
I am the worst person to speak of "should", Alina-my-dear. Perhaps I should ask for it as well. I do not think it would be given, though.
[From the Targaryens, from the thousands whose lives she's given to the desert, from the people of Arrakis who fear and loathe and worship her. Alia has never sought forgiveness from anyone -- save Alina, that night, on her knees, shame-faced and penitent for the first and only time.]
I did not tell you about me. What I could do. We agreed upon that, remember? Just-Alia. Just-Alina. You gave me what I wanted, what nobody else ever has. Do not apologize for that.
And I allowed this place to take that dream from you.
( from the both of them, existing in their little cozy fantasy bubble — this game has taken a pin to it, deflating it with one echoing pop. alina scrubs a hand over her face, pinches between her eyebrows. for all that it's true, she feels spun in circles, following the cyclical nature of this conversation. alia forgives her. alina doesn't want forgiveness. neither of them were meant for compromise. and so the circle continues.
she pivots toward an issue with an easier solution, instead. )
They don't have to forgive you. They just have to accept what's done is done.
I've made a bargain with Queen Alicent. She's promised me your safety. Whether you believe she means it is another question.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cw: victim blaming
Don't. You've no idea what you're talking about.
You weren't there. You don't know the girl I was, or the things she was made to do.
I did choose it. I don't deserve any forgiveness for that.
( she'll forgive alia for the blood on her hands, but not — this. not undeserved absolution, as if alina's greatest mistake only led to scraped knees and swollen bruises that can heal with a forgiving kiss. as if believing aleksander was only as destructive as tripping down the stairs, an oops that can be brushed away and forgotten. it's her responsibility to accept, and live, with the ugly truth: no matter how unwelcome the collar had been, she had wanted to belong to him. still wants, stupidly, after all this time.
and what had that want cost her? her freedom. a hundred innocent lives, subsumed by darkness. a city sunk under a shadowy sea. too high a price to pay, for alina to forgive herself for it. )
I won't let anything hurt you. Not our enemies. Not your ancestors.
I know I couldn't help you before. ( before jace. before alina, too, was convinced alia was used against her will. ) But I can help you now.
Can you trust me to keep you safe?
no subject
Besides, the fact of the matter: she doesn’t care what blood is on Alina’s hands. She doesn’t care what terrible acts she may have committed, what marvelous and deadly and horrible depths are contained within the same chest Alia has slept against, the same heart she has heard throb with life, with blood, with vibrant beautiful power. Alina is Alina, and there is no world in which Alia does not love all that she contains.]
I am Saint no longer. I cannot give absolution, and I do not offer it. You do not need my forgiveness, Alina.
I only give this: if you told me to turn my blade on myself, walk into the lake, step into the fire, and you told me you would keep me safe, I would not hesitate.
There are two things in life I trust, and you are one of them.
no subject
( her forgiveness. a gift too easily given. wanting makes us weak, the darkling had said — she wonders if the same isn't true of alia, tame in her palm, so desperately hopeful for alina to be perfect that she's blind to her cracks and creases. that she might thank alina for every hurt that she's been made to endure, under alina's watch — as if she's forgotten the blood on her hands means alina's are equally dirty, too, in spirit.
her sister, her responsibility, her mess to clean. )
If I had kept you safe all this time, you would have never become a weapon in their hands.
I would have known how to help you. I would have never let this place use you to punish us.
You needed me, and I couldn't stop it. I couldn't free you.
no subject
[From the Targaryens, from the thousands whose lives she's given to the desert, from the people of Arrakis who fear and loathe and worship her. Alia has never sought forgiveness from anyone -- save Alina, that night, on her knees, shame-faced and penitent for the first and only time.]
I did not tell you about me. What I could do. We agreed upon that, remember?
Just-Alia. Just-Alina.
You gave me what I wanted, what nobody else ever has. Do not apologize for that.
no subject
( from the both of them, existing in their little cozy fantasy bubble — this game has taken a pin to it, deflating it with one echoing pop. alina scrubs a hand over her face, pinches between her eyebrows. for all that it's true, she feels spun in circles, following the cyclical nature of this conversation. alia forgives her. alina doesn't want forgiveness. neither of them were meant for compromise. and so the circle continues.
she pivots toward an issue with an easier solution, instead. )
They don't have to forgive you. They just have to accept what's done is done.
I've made a bargain with Queen Alicent. She's promised me your safety.
Whether you believe she means it is another question.