( like an echo, like a dreamed memory. it's not inaccurate, so much as it's too understated for what aleksander truly is. the other half of her, as if someone split a single soul down the middle, divided its parts between holy and unholy. aleksander's monstrosity. her humanity. never meant to merge back together, without one corrupting the other. still, she'd rather choke on the words and die than put it into terms alia would better understand: aleksander is to me what paul is to you. it's too dirty to say, smearing filth on the connection paul and alia share, willing servants to the bond that traps them together. )
Don't. You've no idea what you're talking about. You weren't there. You don't know the girl I was, or the things she was made to do. I did choose it. I don't deserve any forgiveness for that.
( she'll forgive alia for the blood on her hands, but not — this. not undeserved absolution, as if alina's greatest mistake only led to scraped knees and swollen bruises that can heal with a forgiving kiss. as if believing aleksander was only as destructive as tripping down the stairs, an oops that can be brushed away and forgotten. it's her responsibility to accept, and live, with the ugly truth: no matter how unwelcome the collar had been, she had wanted to belong to him. still wants, stupidly, after all this time.
and what had that want cost her? her freedom. a hundred innocent lives, subsumed by darkness. a city sunk under a shadowy sea. too high a price to pay, for alina to forgive herself for it. )
I won't let anything hurt you. Not our enemies. Not your ancestors. I know I couldn't help you before. ( before jace. before alina, too, was convinced alia was used against her will. ) But I can help you now.
cw: victim blaming
Don't. You've no idea what you're talking about.
You weren't there. You don't know the girl I was, or the things she was made to do.
I did choose it. I don't deserve any forgiveness for that.
( she'll forgive alia for the blood on her hands, but not — this. not undeserved absolution, as if alina's greatest mistake only led to scraped knees and swollen bruises that can heal with a forgiving kiss. as if believing aleksander was only as destructive as tripping down the stairs, an oops that can be brushed away and forgotten. it's her responsibility to accept, and live, with the ugly truth: no matter how unwelcome the collar had been, she had wanted to belong to him. still wants, stupidly, after all this time.
and what had that want cost her? her freedom. a hundred innocent lives, subsumed by darkness. a city sunk under a shadowy sea. too high a price to pay, for alina to forgive herself for it. )
I won't let anything hurt you. Not our enemies. Not your ancestors.
I know I couldn't help you before. ( before jace. before alina, too, was convinced alia was used against her will. ) But I can help you now.
Can you trust me to keep you safe?