[ Oh thank goodness she likes it, Matt second-guessed right after sending. He was worried maybe he drew her stick figure body either too curvy (objectifying) or not curvy enough (friendzone). ]
Oh, good! Well, I hope it was a good experience for you, I had
honestly a startlingly intimate time with a few people. Which in my book is good.
( she stumbles, briefly, in her search for a word. something vague, non-descriptive, rather than the brash truth along the lines "i've never had so many people cater to my orgasms, thank you for asking". )
Overwhelming, I think. But I wouldn't call it bad. Sorry. This is strange to talk about. Does it feel strange to talk about?
I'm so sorry, it was invasive of me to ask. [ Matt has managed to rewrite the last few messages in his mind so that Alina didn't express any curiosity of her own. Self-gaslighting is efficient gaslighting! ] No, it's totally normal to feel strange discussing sex and/or kink with people you don't know
[ Which is not quite a direct answer to the question. ]
That's true. Someone once told me you can't visit those kinds of places unless you're willing to see your friends naked
[ He's still worried he's making things awkward, to be quite honest, but he doesn't know a less explicit way to say it. Especially since the real quote was "to see your friends come." ]
well if you're ever down there feeling overwhelmed in a bad way, and you see me, i am more than happy to bail you out. I actually had to do that last time, so. it's in my repertoire.
I think, in this case, it was more "unless you're willing to let your friends see you naked."
( in the dark, the answer had been yes, without thought. it's only the light of day that's brought the sun and shame with it, like a terrible shame-induced hangover. )
I'll keep you in mind, as our resident knight in shining armor. But you won't have to worry much about me. I'll be alright.
But what if all the blindfolding trains my ears to hear so well I can pick you out of a crowd?
[ What then, Alina!!! ]
My mother's mainly into status. "What will people think," that kind of thing. They don't have knights in my country, so I could see my hypothetical knighthood holding some extra exclusivity
[ Huh, he definitely did not mean to say so much about his mother. ]
If you managed, it would be impressive. I'm much too sneaky for that.
( which sounds infinitely brighter, more filled with whimsy, than the dour truth of: i've gotten used to being quiet in order to be overlooked. a mouse in her hidey-hole, once upon a time. those safe habits never quite fade and go sepia in one's memory, even for a sun summoner. )
You must be noble. I've never met any mother that cared so much about what might people say, unless they were trying to make sure their son wasn't rolling around with the common muck and rabble.
( it's her. she's the common muck and rable, of queen tatiana lantsov's worst nightmares. )
[ Matt?? What does that even mean! How are you going to practice this? Matt doesn't have time to strategize, unfortunately, because Alina's next reply knocks him back on his heels. ]
( that explains a fair bit, she writes, then immediately deletes. too judgemental, even if it's true — even if he had looked as at home in that lofty library as an oil painting hung over a hearth, lovely and comfortable and expensive. everything that alina certainly isn't.
but what had made the greater impression: his distaste for their circumstances, disenchanted in ways that still remind her of nikolai's tales of choppy waters and sea breezes, birds that embrace open air over the comfort of a golden cage. only princes and nobles that know the soft silk and warm, full bellies could spurn their host's gifts of comfort this deeply, when so many others would bleed for the opportunity. )
You must feel at home here, then. No wonder you hate it so much.
[ Matt looks down at Alina's message for what feels like a long time. He keeps being stunned by the words, tracing them out with his eyes to verify that they really are the shape they appear to be. ]
I'm supposed to be starting school soon. Back home.
I'm supposed to be doing something to make the world better.
[ I have a purpose, he wants to tell her. Wants to scream it, actually. Anything to avoid the feeling that his whole life is a hallway with only one door. ]
You still have time, Matt. And if you can't make things better there, at least you might make them better here.
( hypocritical of her to say; her own sandgrains in an hourglass feel like they're slipping by too quickly, nearer and nearer to an end, but — destiny hasn't gripped matt by the throat and demanded he bleed himself as a martyr, hasn't asked him to build a future from the bones and entrails of sacrifice after sacrifice. she's only selfishly sunk her claws in tighter to an existence her, what happiness she can eke out for herself, for fear of what she's expected to lose. (everything, of course. the answer is always everything.)
but —
he has a selfless sense of purpose he wants to return to, and time at his disposal, and isn't that ironic? that the power inside of her might sustain her for centuries and centuries, a perpetual flame in the dark, if she wasn't marked for death the moment they immortalized her in stained glass and dared to call her a saint. that an immortal thing should have to worry about it, before his mortal body ever does. )
I've never attended a school. Well, not a real one. I always hoped I'd get the chance to see Ketterdam's University one day. What are you studying?
[ The worst part of this is that Alina's right. Matt stopped believing in coincidence a long time ago. He believes he has his powers for a reason, that the universe puts you places and shows you people for a reason. Given the sparse handful of spellcasters in the manor, maybe he really is here to provide some unique assistance. To shine a light on something. ]
I'm sorry to hear that. Education's so fucking expensive, especially when you start getting into university/college
[ He thinks of adding that he's in debt up to his eyeballs. But given Alina's shrewd deduction about his familial wealth, that would probably invite further questions. And even if it might give him some form of street cred to say they cut me off, they don't want to see me until I take my old job back ... he can't. ]
I'll be starting an urban planning program. Helping cities work better, basically.
[ Surely with all the people in this house, there's gotta be at least one professor. Does Daniel teach classes? ]
( what she wants to say: ana kuya did her best, for all that her maternal instincts were more akin to a mother bird knocking its children from a nest, ensuring they had all they needed for a (minimal) chance at survival. what she wants to say: there had never been room for it in ravka's plans for her, the path she had been taught to follow: conscription, followed by a dull retirement in a duller countryside, toiling infertile fields into obscurity.
what she says instead: )
There are no universities in Ravka. Every son and daughter is raised knowing they'll be conscripted. Ony nobles can afford private tutors.
( and, unspoken: the right to bribe their child out of a dangerous position in the first army. )
[ Which is the wrong thing to say, but everything he wants to say right now would be wrong. Fuck. Lacks specificity. That's not fair. True, but what is?
What he'd really like to do is give her a hug. Let the compass of his arms, its warmth and tangible sincerity, break down all the bullshit of class and gender and distant universes. That might be the wrong thing to do too, but it's the best he's got. ]
Well, I'd prefer to invest a lot of money in infrastructure, but that's a hard sell to municipal governments
so other tactics include making more spaces for plants. Bigger sidewalks. Giving people places they can be outside their homes where they're not expected to spend money.
( predictably, she glosses over the apology, leaving it unattended and unacknowledged. she hadn't meant it to evoke pity any more than a discussion of the weather warrants sympathy, the very idea of it anathema to ravkan children. it's not as though she had known another way of life, she wants to say, born into a conflict that's long existed before alina starkov was even a glimmer of life at the heart of creation — nothing to compare it to, no time of peace among war to miss — but she has her doubts matt would allow her to settle for the line of thinking.
so, unhelpfully: )
I'm starting to think we might come from very different places. But I understand what you mean.
( well. mostly. in spirit, if nothing else. )
Even if Ravka's coffers weren't running dry, the King wouldn't be sparing any coin on repairing villages. Those with the power to make changes rarely want to use it for the good of their people. That fact seems to be a constant across all worlds.
[ Matt thinks he comes from a different place than pretty much everyone, at bottom. Some of that is his own insecurities, the self-pitying story he hasn't really thought to question. Siri, play "Freak." But some is his conviction that words are a poor medium for conveying experience. Some people are eloquent enough to overcome the barrier. Not him. ]
Yeah.
I guess to your point, that means no matter where I am, there's always work to do.
[ Left on its own, this text looks grim to him, which is not how the thought makes him feel. So for context, Matt adds: ]
( cute. but she's luring herself away from the point she wants to make, which is: )
It might not be so bad to let yourself just be, sometimes, either.
( a projection on her behalf, in some small part — like if matt grants himself permission, then ... maybe it isn't so wrong, so misguided of her, to find some reprieve in an existence here. maybe she isn't so irresponsibly monstrous, to carve out some corner of happiness in the world while ravka suffers on without her to hold its hand like the lost, ailing child her country has become. )
( most of matt is generous, a well of kindness that seems to run unsettlingly deep. the problem, of course, is that living in the moment would mean being present with herself — gauging her nerve-endings, sitting with the oppressive weight of her thoughts on her chest, fully inhabiting her own body until she's smothered by everything she is.
there's very little else that sounds worse to her than not being able to escape from herself.
sometimes it's easier to clean a room by pushing the dust and cobwebs and junk into the closet, beneath the bed, behind chairs until it's fit to bursting. same concept with her thoughts — if she doesn't have to look at the mess of them, they simply don't exist. )
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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( it's cute, really. consider it worthy of being pinned on a fridge, if she owned one. )
I had a friend who helped with the rest of my hunt.
It was a bit like having an overactive bloodhound on my side.
I did. Did you ( have fun? how does she even broach this without a certain degree of awkwardness. ) What did you make of it?
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Oh, good! Well, I hope it was a good experience for you, I had
honestly a startlingly intimate time with a few people. Which in my book is good.
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( she stumbles, briefly, in her search for a word. something vague, non-descriptive, rather than the brash truth along the lines "i've never had so many people cater to my orgasms, thank you for asking". )
Overwhelming, I think. But I wouldn't call it bad.
Sorry. This is strange to talk about. Does it feel strange to talk about?
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[ Which is not quite a direct answer to the question. ]
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If anyone made it uncomfortable, it was me.
( this is not changing the "matt doesn't know how to breathe" allegiations, on that note. )
I suppose there's no point in acting embarrassed.
No one was what I would call discreet in that place.
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[ He's still worried he's making things awkward, to be quite honest, but he doesn't know a less explicit way to say it. Especially since the real quote was "to see your friends come." ]
well if you're ever down there feeling overwhelmed in a bad way, and you see me, i am more than happy to bail you out. I actually had to do that last time, so. it's in my repertoire.
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( in the dark, the answer had been yes, without thought. it's only the light of day that's brought the sun and shame with it, like a terrible shame-induced hangover. )
I'll keep you in mind, as our resident knight in shining armor.
But you won't have to worry much about me. I'll be alright.
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=)
but god, please don't knight me even in jest, my mother would be so smug
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You should do that more often if there's a high chance I'll embarrass myself. Less witnesses that way.
Don't worry, I don't have the authority to knight anyone. ( liar. ) Is your mother excessively fond of chivalry?
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[ What then, Alina!!! ]
My mother's mainly into status. "What will people think," that kind of thing. They don't have knights in my country, so I could see my hypothetical knighthood holding some extra exclusivity
[ Huh, he definitely did not mean to say so much about his mother. ]
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I'm much too sneaky for that.
( which sounds infinitely brighter, more filled with whimsy, than the dour truth of: i've gotten used to being quiet in order to be overlooked. a mouse in her hidey-hole, once upon a time. those safe habits never quite fade and go sepia in one's memory, even for a sun summoner. )
You must be noble. I've never met any mother that cared so much about what might people say, unless they were trying to make sure their son wasn't rolling around with the common muck and rabble.
( it's her. she's the common muck and rable, of queen tatiana lantsov's worst nightmares. )
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[ Matt?? What does that even mean! How are you going to practice this? Matt doesn't have time to strategize, unfortunately, because Alina's next reply knocks him back on his heels. ]
Oh well we don't ahve nobility in my country
[ That's first, a hurried spill of text. ]
I guess
wealthy, though.
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You guess? Would you like me to wait for you to measure the weight of your coin purse so you can be sure?
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yes. I grew up with money
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but what had made the greater impression: his distaste for their circumstances, disenchanted in ways that still remind her of nikolai's tales of choppy waters and sea breezes, birds that embrace open air over the comfort of a golden cage. only princes and nobles that know the soft silk and warm, full bellies could spurn their host's gifts of comfort this deeply, when so many others would bleed for the opportunity. )
You must feel at home here, then.
No wonder you hate it so much.
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I'm supposed to be starting school soon. Back home.
I'm supposed to be doing something to make the world better.
[ I have a purpose, he wants to tell her. Wants to scream it, actually. Anything to avoid the feeling that his whole life is a hallway with only one door. ]
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And if you can't make things better there, at least you might make them better here.
( hypocritical of her to say; her own sandgrains in an hourglass feel like they're slipping by too quickly, nearer and nearer to an end, but — destiny hasn't gripped matt by the throat and demanded he bleed himself as a martyr, hasn't asked him to build a future from the bones and entrails of sacrifice after sacrifice. she's only selfishly sunk her claws in tighter to an existence her, what happiness she can eke out for herself, for fear of what she's expected to lose. (everything, of course. the answer is always everything.)
but —
he has a selfless sense of purpose he wants to return to, and time at his disposal, and isn't that ironic? that the power inside of her might sustain her for centuries and centuries, a perpetual flame in the dark, if she wasn't marked for death the moment they immortalized her in stained glass and dared to call her a saint. that an immortal thing should have to worry about it, before his mortal body ever does. )
I've never attended a school.
Well, not a real one. I always hoped I'd get the chance to see Ketterdam's University one day.
What are you studying?
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I'm sorry to hear that. Education's so fucking expensive, especially when you start getting into university/college
[ He thinks of adding that he's in debt up to his eyeballs. But given Alina's shrewd deduction about his familial wealth, that would probably invite further questions. And even if it might give him some form of street cred to say they cut me off, they don't want to see me until I take my old job back ... he can't. ]
I'll be starting an urban planning program. Helping cities work better, basically.
[ Surely with all the people in this house, there's gotta be at least one professor. Does Daniel teach classes? ]
cw references to child soldiers
( what she wants to say: ana kuya did her best, for all that her maternal instincts were more akin to a mother bird knocking its children from a nest, ensuring they had all they needed for a (minimal) chance at survival. what she wants to say: there had never been room for it in ravka's plans for her, the path she had been taught to follow: conscription, followed by a dull retirement in a duller countryside, toiling infertile fields into obscurity.
what she says instead: )
There are no universities in Ravka. Every son and daughter is raised knowing they'll be conscripted.
Ony nobles can afford private tutors.
( and, unspoken: the right to bribe their child out of a dangerous position in the first army. )
How do you help them work better?
no subject
[ A pause between texts. ]
I'm sorry.
[ Which is the wrong thing to say, but everything he wants to say right now would be wrong. Fuck. Lacks specificity. That's not fair. True, but what is?
What he'd really like to do is give her a hug. Let the compass of his arms, its warmth and tangible sincerity, break down all the bullshit of class and gender and distant universes. That might be the wrong thing to do too, but it's the best he's got. ]
Well, I'd prefer to invest a lot of money in infrastructure, but that's a hard sell to municipal governments
so other tactics include making more spaces for plants. Bigger sidewalks. Giving people places they can be outside their homes where they're not expected to spend money.
no subject
so, unhelpfully: )
I'm starting to think we might come from very different places.
But I understand what you mean.
( well. mostly. in spirit, if nothing else. )
Even if Ravka's coffers weren't running dry, the King wouldn't be sparing any coin on repairing villages.
Those with the power to make changes rarely want to use it for the good of their people.
That fact seems to be a constant across all worlds.
no subject
Yeah.
I guess to your point, that means no matter where I am, there's always work to do.
[ Left on its own, this text looks grim to him, which is not how the thought makes him feel. So for context, Matt adds: ]
=)
no subject
( cute. but she's luring herself away from the point she wants to make, which is: )
It might not be so bad to let yourself just be, sometimes, either.
( a projection on her behalf, in some small part — like if matt grants himself permission, then ... maybe it isn't so wrong, so misguided of her, to find some reprieve in an existence here. maybe she isn't so irresponsibly monstrous, to carve out some corner of happiness in the world while ravka suffers on without her to hold its hand like the lost, ailing child her country has become. )
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[ And ultimately undermines his long-term goals, his dreams of usefulness and betterment. After all, one can't serve out of an empty vessel.
This may not be exactly what Alina had in mind, but at least he agrees with her on paper. ]
And like I said before, I'm good at living in the moment. Those breathing exercises, you know?
So if you ever want a lesson ... you know where to find me
=) =) =)
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( most of matt is generous, a well of kindness that seems to run unsettlingly deep. the problem, of course, is that living in the moment would mean being present with herself — gauging her nerve-endings, sitting with the oppressive weight of her thoughts on her chest, fully inhabiting her own body until she's smothered by everything she is.
there's very little else that sounds worse to her than not being able to escape from herself.
sometimes it's easier to clean a room by pushing the dust and cobwebs and junk into the closet, beneath the bed, behind chairs until it's fit to bursting. same concept with her thoughts — if she doesn't have to look at the mess of them, they simply don't exist. )
I'll keep it in mind.
=)