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Oh.
[ A pause between texts. ]
I'm sorry.
[ Which is the wrong thing to say, but everything he wants to say right now would be wrong. Fuck. Lacks specificity. That's not fair. True, but what is?
What he'd really like to do is give her a hug. Let the compass of his arms, its warmth and tangible sincerity, break down all the bullshit of class and gender and distant universes. That might be the wrong thing to do too, but it's the best he's got. ]
Well, I'd prefer to invest a lot of money in infrastructure, but that's a hard sell to municipal governments
so other tactics include making more spaces for plants. Bigger sidewalks. Giving people places they can be outside their homes where they're not expected to spend money.
[ A pause between texts. ]
I'm sorry.
[ Which is the wrong thing to say, but everything he wants to say right now would be wrong. Fuck. Lacks specificity. That's not fair. True, but what is?
What he'd really like to do is give her a hug. Let the compass of his arms, its warmth and tangible sincerity, break down all the bullshit of class and gender and distant universes. That might be the wrong thing to do too, but it's the best he's got. ]
Well, I'd prefer to invest a lot of money in infrastructure, but that's a hard sell to municipal governments
so other tactics include making more spaces for plants. Bigger sidewalks. Giving people places they can be outside their homes where they're not expected to spend money.
( it means — that she's a fool, maybe, grasping onto her hope like a tiny sprout of green in a desert. if she had learned her lesson, it would be a dessicated thing, but that alternative — to feel her trust dead and wilting in her chest — frightens her more than the chance paul might disappoint her.
she exhales, a leaf-shaky breath. )
I don't want to have to ask him.
Paul will tell me in time. I have to believe that.
( it's stupid, she knows, like — leaping blindly into a chasm, unsure of how far it drops, and expecting to land without scrapes and broken bones. still, she can't bear to be the one to extract it herself, to revisit every other doubt she'd had in the wake of the darkling's betrayal (had any of it been real? how long had he intended to deceive her? what else had he been hiding? would he have ever —)
she falters into a pause, pockmarked by pensiveness. then: )
You don't have to give me everything just because I ask for it.
she exhales, a leaf-shaky breath. )
I don't want to have to ask him.
Paul will tell me in time. I have to believe that.
( it's stupid, she knows, like — leaping blindly into a chasm, unsure of how far it drops, and expecting to land without scrapes and broken bones. still, she can't bear to be the one to extract it herself, to revisit every other doubt she'd had in the wake of the darkling's betrayal (had any of it been real? how long had he intended to deceive her? what else had he been hiding? would he have ever —)
she falters into a pause, pockmarked by pensiveness. then: )
You don't have to give me everything just because I ask for it.
I assume you don't count your number among them. Funny.
I'll have to do something to earn your favour, won't I?
I'm curious if even you know why you hate me so much.
hey
( Excellent Start, Nami )
this is nami, we met awhile back. sorry to bug you, but have you seen nikolai?
we were supposed to meet up for mapping and i can't reach his phone. i know he's erratic, but he'd not usually this late.
( not that she's worried. that would mean she cares. she doesn't! just, you know. who's going to hold her bag if nikolai isn't around? )
( Excellent Start, Nami )
this is nami, we met awhile back. sorry to bug you, but have you seen nikolai?
we were supposed to meet up for mapping and i can't reach his phone. i know he's erratic, but he'd not usually this late.
( not that she's worried. that would mean she cares. she doesn't! just, you know. who's going to hold her bag if nikolai isn't around? )
Given the nature of this place? I think I can be very creative.
( her eyes blur over the words once, twice. there's no quicksand-pit that opens in her stomach, slowly sinking her insides — she's known it, from the moment she woke without nikolai at the foot of her bed like a hyperactive puppy, waiting for her to acknowledge him on threat of finding him gnawing on her shoes for stimulation.
still, it's a good handful of minutes before alina responds at all, resentful that nami has forced her to address it at all. )
he's gone.
i tried to look for him, but
( but. but she knew it was pointless from the start, even if she'd walked through never-ending rooms until her feet turned sore and her sense of direction went dizzy. )
he's gone. i don't know where he went, or what they've done with him.
but he wouldn't have just left without me.
( surely that has to be true. somehow, deliberate over accidental abandonment seems (selfishly) worse to consider. )
still, it's a good handful of minutes before alina responds at all, resentful that nami has forced her to address it at all. )
he's gone.
i tried to look for him, but
( but. but she knew it was pointless from the start, even if she'd walked through never-ending rooms until her feet turned sore and her sense of direction went dizzy. )
he's gone. i don't know where he went, or what they've done with him.
but he wouldn't have just left without me.
( surely that has to be true. somehow, deliberate over accidental abandonment seems (selfishly) worse to consider. )
oh.
( weight sunk to the bottom of her stomach — the one thing she hadn't let herself think could be true. this whole not caring thing seems more and more frayed the more she stews in her own misery, because — fine, maybe she found nikolai a little funny sometimes, and maybe his company was nicer than the otherwise silence of a too big house. )
sorry. that sucks.
you know
( after she starts typing, she immediately thinks better on it. except, she's already started, so she may as well finish it out. at least it's better than being in the dark. )
i've heard sometimes people who act out of line get dragged out in the middle of the night and sent home. what counts as acting out, i've got no idea.
you think maybe nikolai pissed the balfours off?
( weight sunk to the bottom of her stomach — the one thing she hadn't let herself think could be true. this whole not caring thing seems more and more frayed the more she stews in her own misery, because — fine, maybe she found nikolai a little funny sometimes, and maybe his company was nicer than the otherwise silence of a too big house. )
sorry. that sucks.
you know
( after she starts typing, she immediately thinks better on it. except, she's already started, so she may as well finish it out. at least it's better than being in the dark. )
i've heard sometimes people who act out of line get dragged out in the middle of the night and sent home. what counts as acting out, i've got no idea.
you think maybe nikolai pissed the balfours off?
I might argue the nature of this place makes it even more difficult to be creative. There isn't much that's in short supply.
( the daily menu tends to go a little like this, from what alina's witnessed: food, sex, more food, more sex. like a lantsov feast, if they were more openly depraved about their indulgences. )
It would have to be a very inspired offering.
( the daily menu tends to go a little like this, from what alina's witnessed: food, sex, more food, more sex. like a lantsov feast, if they were more openly depraved about their indulgences. )
It would have to be a very inspired offering.
I can be very inspirational. You’ve seen my powers.
So defensive, Alina. You didn't really seem like you hated me the other day.
Should I suppose you're good at faking? To spare my feelings from your rejection. How thoughtful.
Should I suppose you're good at faking? To spare my feelings from your rejection. How thoughtful.
( 'sent home'. as though they would just let the king of ravka waltz out the doors with perfectly coiffed hair, unharmed. embittered, alina snorts. )
you've listened to him talk.
nikolai has a talent for making as many enemies as he does friends.
it doesn't make any sense.
i know nikolai. he doesn't do anything quietly.
you've listened to him talk.
nikolai has a talent for making as many enemies as he does friends.
it doesn't make any sense.
i know nikolai. he doesn't do anything quietly.
Yes, you tolerate me quite admirably. Multiple times, as I recall. What a brave soldier.
Oh, I don't. I'm as unfeeling as a corpse.
( unbidden: the sour memory of dalton stabbing a construct made in her image with a corkscrew. it wasn't unfeeling. neither was she. neither is she, of course, though alina doesn't want to hear about that — presumably it's easier for parisa to seem cruel and directionless, as a dartboard for her natural insecurities.
nevertheless, every blow of alina's misses the mark. parisa's soft pulpy center is not so small that it's impossible to graze — it's just that alina's natural presumption of her, as most women who first meet her, is entirely misplaced. )
Oh, I don't. I'm as unfeeling as a corpse.
( unbidden: the sour memory of dalton stabbing a construct made in her image with a corkscrew. it wasn't unfeeling. neither was she. neither is she, of course, though alina doesn't want to hear about that — presumably it's easier for parisa to seem cruel and directionless, as a dartboard for her natural insecurities.
nevertheless, every blow of alina's misses the mark. parisa's soft pulpy center is not so small that it's impossible to graze — it's just that alina's natural presumption of her, as most women who first meet her, is entirely misplaced. )
is there a point to this, or did you just feel like lording something over me?
( it's not not tired, routine territory for alina, tracing the steps of the girl she had been: a target on her back, vermin to shoot pellets at. parisa forcing her into those old, worn shoes is a little startling, for how loudly it shows alina that she's outgrown them — outgrown this, outgrown divine beauties like parisa and nazyalensky expecting her to feel at home in the dirt. )
this might shock you, but i have better things to do with my time than listen to you gloat.
( it's not not tired, routine territory for alina, tracing the steps of the girl she had been: a target on her back, vermin to shoot pellets at. parisa forcing her into those old, worn shoes is a little startling, for how loudly it shows alina that she's outgrown them — outgrown this, outgrown divine beauties like parisa and nazyalensky expecting her to feel at home in the dirt. )
this might shock you, but i have better things to do with my time than listen to you gloat.
Edited 2024-07-17 22:29 (UTC)
Is stating a fact gloating, now?
I wanted an answer, on why it is that you hate me so much.
I'll leave you alone for now if you give me one.
I wanted an answer, on why it is that you hate me so much.
I'll leave you alone for now if you give me one.
[Despite her resolution, the hesitation has Alia -- reaching out, silently, her consciousness feeling in the maze of thoughts and minds and souls for the one that is Alina's. She's been careful, hasn't delved too deeply, hasn't dug her greedy, grasping fingers into the other girl's thoughts, despite her overwhelming longing to. She wants to be Alina's friend. She wants to crawl into Alina's marrow and stay there. She wants to cut off her own hands so they don't bring death and destruction to this oasis of a girl, the way everything else Alia touches dies and destroys.
So: her thoughts, her awareness, brushed like the wing of a butterfly on a planet Alia's never seen. She flutters like sunwarmed shallows at Alina's presence, soft, careful, I am here, I am here, hoping that the gentle connection tells what the stark words cannot full convey, even as she says them:]
We give ourselves because we choose to, Alina.
It isn't a "have to". It's a "want to".
That's why it matters. Because it isn't compelled. Because you would never force Paul or I to give more than we wish. Because you are
[The words stop, the thrum of Alia's mind taking over: bright warm sharp brilliant Alina laughing Alina smiling Alina wrapped in sheets Alina combing dark hair dark eyes soft mouth soft hands touching holding caressing slapping embracing, Alina, Alina and Alina.]
So: her thoughts, her awareness, brushed like the wing of a butterfly on a planet Alia's never seen. She flutters like sunwarmed shallows at Alina's presence, soft, careful, I am here, I am here, hoping that the gentle connection tells what the stark words cannot full convey, even as she says them:]
We give ourselves because we choose to, Alina.
It isn't a "have to". It's a "want to".
That's why it matters. Because it isn't compelled. Because you would never force Paul or I to give more than we wish. Because you are
[The words stop, the thrum of Alia's mind taking over: bright warm sharp brilliant Alina laughing Alina smiling Alina wrapped in sheets Alina combing dark hair dark eyes soft mouth soft hands touching holding caressing slapping embracing, Alina, Alina and Alina.]
because i've known people like you, and i've liked them even less than i like you. you all act like being born beautiful entitles you to being horrible. you use it as a tool to get whatever you can from the world around you.
but you're not better than me. you're not better than anyone. and i suspect you're either too arrogant to see that, or you know exactly what you are and you hate it. selfish. vain. and trying to your hardest to convince yourself that having power over other people somehow gives your life more meaning.
but you're not better than me. you're not better than anyone. and i suspect you're either too arrogant to see that, or you know exactly what you are and you hate it. selfish. vain. and trying to your hardest to convince yourself that having power over other people somehow gives your life more meaning.
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